A foot in the sea

The shark came out of nowhere. Bumping my surfboard with his nose was enough to cause me to lose my balance, dropping my body in the icy water below; the water was calm. Craig happily playing in the ocean just feet from me on his Sea-Doo. The waves breaking evenly along the shoreline. The surf was small. Nice enough to relax but with enough energy any surfer would feel a need to catch a wave every once in a while. It's amazing how something can change in a heartbeat. As I broke the surface, I scrambled on to my board fearfully; my screams sliced through the air. “Shark! Craig! Help!” I cried out as the fin passed in front of me. I wasn’t thinking about death or what I would do if I got out of here alive. I was more worried about what else was under the water. How many more sharks could be aligning their sights on my dangling legs.

“Get on!” Craig grabbed my shoulder pulling me towards him. The fin sliced through the water racing towards me. “NOW!” he screamed grabbing the back of my wet suit, spinning the sea doo around and racing towards the sand. I had barely been on the Sea-Doo. His hand tightly grasped on the zipper of my wet suit. My fingers digging into his skin as I tried to pull myself up more.

My board was bouncing in the surf still attached to my ankle as the shark disappeared under the three-foot swell. I remember thinking I was safe. We were closing in on the beach when I felt the pop. I saw the teeth as it tore into the skin. The crunch of the bone was audible even with my screams as the pain surged through my leg. The water felt cool on my burning skin. The crystal clear surface of the water had been poisoned with the red liquid pooling from what was once my leg. My stomach churned as I watch the shark disappear once again with more than my leg. He took my love for the ocean.

I remember this day as clear as the water was this morning. Standing on the beach was as close as I had come in months to entering the water. The soft blue sky, a gentle breeze pushing a couple of large white clouds over the never-ending sea. I don't remember the ambulance. I don't remember the hospitals. All I remember after the shark was fear. I remember looking at a cloud as I was being loaded into the ambulance and thinking it looks like a wave in the middle of falling. Right before the white water when the top of the wave touched the sea. The perfect tunnel for that rare moment in surfing where you can't see anything but water as you’re floating. Floating. The last thing I felt before waking up lost and confused.

I had not stepped in the water in seven years. In fact, I had moved several times. The first time I went as far as possible in land. I didn't want to see, smell or hear anything about the ocean. But each time I had to relocate for work or family it brought me closer to my hometown. After my mother died from cancer, I returned to help my father with the funeral. But that was months ago. I couldn't bring myself to leave dad but that wasn't the only reason I wanted to stay. I would have loved to say a man kept me here, or an inheritance. But deep down I knew it was the sea. The air, the calm surface, the beautiful scenery that held the darkest secrets. I transferred my son into school and hired someone to bring everything down So I could move in with dad; worked out great for all of us.

I remember moms last words to me as if she said it yesterday. “Sedna, I want you to promise me that you will give the ocean another chance. You gave cars a second chance after you spun out on the black ice and crashed my car. You gave that idiot ex-boyfriend of yours a second chance even after he got you pregnant and cheated on you. You need to give the sea a second chance. I can’t be there for you this time. Promise me you will be strong. I need you to be strong”

As I remembered her words I couldn't help but mumble “I promise Momma.” as I walked back to the seaside place I considered my home once again.

“Hi, Papa.” Kissing the top of his head I limped to the kitchen to make my five-year-old son a snack before I sent him off to school

My leg still bothered me from time to time. The plastic would chafe and rub. I constantly had to remind myself a little pain is better than being dead. The shark took just above my ankle. It was water friendly because at the time I was a well-known surfer. I competed regularly. It was shocking to our small town when I left the sea for never-ending fields of green grass.

When I entered the kitchen I saw Chase dressed and waiting for breakfast at the table. Surrounded by wax crayons

“Mommy, did you go swimming today?” Chase questioned as he coloured the fish purple.

“Not yet squishy. Maybe tomorrow.” I replied pulling down the bread and peanut butter.

“Can we all go swimming tomorrow Mommy?” fear struck in my chest at the thought of Chase being anywhere near the water with that monster.

“No Chase.” I said pulling out a butter knife.

“But mommy I really want-” the fear was overwhelming.

“I said no Chase!” slamming my hands on the counter. I couldn't lose my baby to the ocean. I already lost my confidence and my best friend. Craig. I haven't spoken to him since I left seven years ago. He used to visit the hospital, daily, until I told him to go to hell and never speak to me again. I brought up things I promised never to say, I hit him, I threw things and I got my wish. He never spoke to me again. Until moms funeral. His hair long and in desperate need of a hair cut was pulled back into a neat low ponytail. His green eyes filled with tears. His tall frame stood out in his black suit as he made his way across the room to hug me and my father. Even then no words were spoken. Just a nod seemed to clear the air. After that, I saw him daily running on the sand, our old running trail.

As the memories came rushing back I could see my hand shaking. How could I be so scared of something I loved so strongly. The joke was I was a mermaid and had salt water in my veins and now I couldn't even step a foot in the sea.

“Chase lets get ready for school.” Thank god for dad. He always knows my limits.

As he put his hand on top of mine he used his free one to pull my head closer and kissed my forehead. “I know your scared baby. But he just wants to be a part of your life. You put your salt water into his blood. You are going to have to embrace it sometime.”

Nodding I couldn’t help but miss mom. She really knew how to put me back together when I fell apart. It could be as simple as a word or two or forcing me to do it regardless of my emotions. She made me tough. I needed her now more than ever.

As Chase wrapped his little arms around my leg I couldn’t help but feel a sense of failure. Bad things happen every day. I have to be strong like mom. I had to get my life together and be a mother to Chase, like she had been to me.

After Papa and Chase set off on the short walk to school I received a phone call. School had been cancelled due to an outbreak of lice. However, papa was old school. Never carrying a phone, always said it felt like an electronic leash to society. When he is out he wants to be in the moment not distracted by an electronic box of stupidity.

Accepting the fact that they would just have to find out for themselves my eyes settled on the shed door. All my surfboards had been piled in there. My scuba stuff, my art, my sea away from the sea. The lock rusted from years of being untouched. The key still hung on the rack by the door waiting to unlock my heaven. Today was going to be the day. I didn't care if I had to stay down there all day. All night if I had too. I would be stepping into the water. I would be learning to surf again. Even with only one leg. People have been doing more with less, and today was my day.

The sand felt soft and warm against my skin. The waves tickled the tips of my toes. The sea was calm, flat.

“Just one step. Just one step. Just one step.” I took a deep breath, closed my eyes. Waiting for the courage to overtake my body and send me diving into the sea. And yet my body felt numb, cold. This was my cove. This was my happy place. Was. no. it will be my cove. My happy place.

“You know it helps if you actually listen to yourself.” a voice I hadn't heard in years lifted a smile out of my body.

“Hi, Craig.” I took his hand in mine.

“Come on. You always made fun of me for never getting over my fear of heights, don’t make me do the same.” a gentle pull towards the ocean. My foot lifted and the chains of fear broke. The cold water encased me as I let it go over my head. My free hand came in contact with the sand and opened my eyes. The salt water never bothered my eyes and still to this day it felt relaxing. I knew it would feel like hell later but for the moment locking my baby blue eyes with those bright green calm eyes felt refreshing. His face smiling in front of the crystal blue water. There was no fish around just miles and miles of sand and sea. Enjoying the water for as long as I could until my lungs begged me for oxygen.

Pulling myself back to the surface and breathing in the salty air was renewing. Opening a part of me that had been locked away for years.

“Mommy!” Chase screamed as he splashed towards me. His backpack laid abandoned on the sand next to my waving father. Swimming back towards him I rested my weight on my knees hugging him tightly.

“I did it.” I cried reaching out towards my father as he walked into the water. Grasping his hand as Craig’s landed on my shoulder, the walls came tumbling down. The tears spilling out as my body shook with joy, pain and relief.

I had my life back.