a single pill

I spend 3 minutes of my morning rolling over and picking up a pill bottle with tiny writing. escitalopram 10 mg. I crack the lid and remove a single white pill with a cut line and some imprinted numbers c120. while it means nothing to me, I still sit up and allow the pill to drop past my lips and on to my tongue. it doesn't take me long before I reach over to the shelf once more and grab the dark blue water bottle that I filled and placed upon the black pressed wood that I call my dresser before I had laid my head to rest the night before. I quickly chug the water before the pill starts to dissolve and leave an unpleasant flavour within my mouth. I wouldn't be able to tell you what exactly the pill does in scientific terms. but I know it helps. it quiets my mind and allows me to talk to people, to drive, to laugh, to work without breaking down or losing all my air for an unknown reason. triggers. that's what the unknown reason is called. while I know my triggers can be something as simple as thinking about death and what's going to happen when I do die, others can be as confusing as a group of teenagers, or food and yet still after living with these problems for 8 years and actively trying to overcome them, I still do not know everything that will send me into an episode. the episodes have a range of their own. it can be as simple as a tightness in my chest or a slight loss of air, while others will have me lying in the arms of a loved one gasping for breath and reliving every mistake, accident and moment of regret. it can have me scratching at my arms and playing with my hair or losing my lunch and dry heaving over the toilet. while some days are worse than others its the little white pill with the cut line and imprinted numbers that makes it possible for me to drive, to laugh and cry, to live my life and to breathe and work through my day without losing my breath during a moment of joy. it's a single pill. once a day each morning. a single pill that makes each day a little better. it's a single pill that controls my life forever. it's a single pill.