As I lay in bed my chest aches, I wonder if the pills will help again. I wonder if it's worth getting up and going to my job, doing my homework, eating, existing. I wonder if it's worth breathing at all. I know these thoughts are not right. they're not normal. I know it's a part of me that isn't who I want to be. I know one quick swallow and they will go silent. but then my anxiety kicks in. It's telling me not to take the pill. that I could choke, and if I start choking there's no one around to hear me struggle for help. I could die. but I feel like I should. I should die. the tears begin to run, dragging yesterday's eyeliner with them. I know I'm not perfect but that doesn't mean I deserve to die. I have happiness in my life. I have love and joy. yet I lay here, in my messy bed with my cat perched upon my chest, letting out the strongest purrs he can and I wonder, will the pills help again?
when I finally pull myself out of the fun and swallow the pill I think about choking again. the pills aren't that big. I could cough them up and breathe no problem. I have neighbors around me who would help if I banged on their doors. and yet I still worry, what if I was meant to choke? what if I was meant to die? would I be missed? or have they all lied?
my "best friend" as she calls herself moved out a month ago. she lives just down the road, yet I haven't heard from her since. the final two weeks she was here had been filled with such toxicity that the place I called home felt like a place of death. now the plants are green and thriving, the cats are running and playing as they did before, the house is clean. no more pee on the carpets, dishes sparkling in the cupboard. yet it feels empty. the stillness in the house is eiry. the quiet is comforting and scary. I can leave things where I want them. I don't have to worry about someone stealing from me. I don't have to worry about sitting up and putting a smile on my face every day and acting like I'm ok. but I'm not ok, and yet I am.
the shower had been a welcome relief. the door open so the cats could wander in and out without fear of someone seeing me naked. the towels in the cupboard waiting in their stale folds. I'm laying in my bed now. soaking wet and I still wonder, would I have been doing this if they had stayed? would I be feeling this way if she had been in the next room. I know it's a sign that I should have taken my pill the second I woke up. that I'm overthinking again. but life is just taking its course and yet I wanted to go back to the beginning, I wanted to change everything that had been happening in the last year. I wanted to take my pill sooner so these thoughts wouldn't have crept in. finally I convince myself to just take a breath. it will all be ok when the time is right, till then swallow the water, the pills, and the fear. and live.
just live a day, a moment, a breath at a time.
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